All I wanted.

All I wanted was for you to let me have a little white lie.
All I wanted was for you to remind me how much you loved me.
All I wanted was for you to close the distance between us.
All I wanted was to stop feeling negative about myself.
All I wanted was for you to help me love myself again.
All I wanted was for you to help me up and patch up my bruises.

You saw me fall that day. It’s been a really long time since I’ve dealt with so much negativity and overthinking was just slowly drowning me deeper and deeper. I overthink because I felt lonely, insecure and rejected. Rejection is something we all have to go through somehow. It can be in a form of continuous rejection or just occasional rejection. How funny it was to find out that I was so immature, so weak to handle rejection. I’ve learnt that being rejected by your own family is ten times depressing than being rejected by your best friend. To think you used to be so close, shared so many memories, was brought up by that person who you were so proud to call as family, would reject you one day as if there was no form of connection – blood tie – in the first place.

Overthinking is said to be the early stage of depression. You can drag and drag and drag a small situation into something so huge, so ugly and so self-consuming. Your mind eats you up. Your mind controls your whole being – your heart. Everything turns dark and gloomy wherever you go. Your actions become uncoordinated. All you want to do is to just lock yourself up; shut everyone out. I did just that.

But you came to look for me. Don’t get me wrong, I truly appreciated that. I was already halfway convinced that at the end of our conversation, everything would turn out alright again. I hesitated at first, thinking whether letting you in would be okay. Before I realized it, I was pouring everything out. My thoughts; my self-loathing; my pain. I did not tell you exactly what was the cause of it all only because I was too occupied with my own negative thoughts at that moment. You’ve reasoned with me of all my negativity. But I know deep down inside, there was also one thing I was truly afraid of. You’re so nice and wonderful to me that it got me thinking : What if one day, I’m in my self-loathing mode again, you just can’t take handling me anymore? What if you get sick and tired of me? What if you feel as if I’m choking you in a way?

I asked and was hoping for the answer I was looking for. You see, at that moment, all I wanted was for you to tell me otherwise. An ounce of hope. Hope that we will make it through somehow. Hope that you will never leave me no matter what. Your answer made the rest of the things you’ve said that night… Well, as if it was never said in the first place.

All I wanted was hope.

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