Self-destruction

You began to let your darkest moments of your past fill your thoughts and swallow you whole. You knew you had a choice whether to fight them or give in to them, but you decided the latter. You let them consume you until the very last part of you left that was made up of love, hope and trust were completely engulfed into a black abyss. From then on, you were constantly afraid of what the future holds; you were afraid of change; you were afraid of people – afraid that they might get close to you and find out something about you only to use them against you; afraid that you will let jealousy overtake you and end up hating anyone you deemed better than yourself. You kept living like this until every piece of your soul was shredded off from your body only to exist as a soulless entity roaming the face of the Earth. 
It took me awhile to get used to the fact that I can never have you back again and that I am now only left with the memories of our countless adventures residing at the deepest part of my brain. I cherish the good times and the bad, although there were times when I felt completely shut out and alone just because I wanted to know what was wrong with you. I have moved on and despite everything –

I am happy to have had the chance to witness you before everything shattered. 

I am happy to have been able to call you my friend

Good-bye. 



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Letter to M

Dear M,

Last Christmas, I invited you to celebrate with my family because you had to spend Christmas alone. I couldn’t bear to have you spending Christmas alone just because the rest of your family went back to your hometown leaving you behind. It has been ages since I’ve last seen you. You seemed to be doing very well and I was happy for you. I was so excited to introduce you to my new friends for I knew we could all get along just fine. And so, it was true. We got along just fine. They were very friendly and very welcoming as usual. The night before Christmas we had quite a meeting and I was so glad you fit into the picture perfectly.

Then came Christmas day itself. All my other friends came and it has also been so long since I have last seen them. To me, I had a lovely Christmas because all my friends and you and my family, who came all the way from Borneo, were there with me. Even the thought of it was heartwarming. I never told you this but I met up with our best friend while I went back to Borneo for a few days. She told me everything. The part where you said I didn’t make any effort to introduce you to other friends, that I was so ashamed of introducing you to them, that I cared about my newer friends more than my older friends, that you weren’t offered any place in the hotel room just to hang your towel, that whenever you talked to me I focused more on my phone than you, that you will never trust me like before, that you wouldn’t wanna spend Christmas with any of your friends anymore and that you told your sister about it and how she said she ‘knew something like this was gonna happen’.

I sometimes wondered why you never confronted these things to me. Was it possibly because you realized in the end that I DID introduce you to my friends (because they said I did), that I wasn’t ashamed of you because you know me well enough that I’m not the type of person to be ashamed of anything (seriously dude), that I do care about my older friends because if I didn’t I wouldn’t even think of asking you to spend Christmas with my family and I, that you could’ve just opened your bloody mouth and tell me that you didn’t have any place for your towel because I’d sure as hell take down my towel for you (I wouldn’t mind because it was a small matter after all) or that I was facing my phone more than facing you because you were simply too engrossed in bragging about yourself (you never realized this, did you?). And your sister – I’m sorry but has always been against me ever since the beginning. If she ‘knew something like this would happen’ then maybe she would’ve thought twice about leaving you behind. Your sister’s a smartass. Just because she’s older doesn’t mean she is to be respected. It doesn’t work that way. Respect is not dependent of age but of how you treat other people, even those younger than you. Sure it’s inevitable that everybody has opinions of others but it’s a choice to speak your mind and to whom you announce it to. It’s really sad to see how such an educated person like your sister is so judgmental, stereotypical and hypocritical. I’m sure as you all were growing up you have come across the advice that it’s simply wrong to judge people, right?

In conclusion, nobody’s perfect. Not me, not you and most importantly, not even your sister.

Love,
B

Feeling : Crappier than the crappiest crap.

There are a million ways to console a person who’s been under the weather lately. You see a little boy cry because his friends doesn’t want to include him in their little game – you give him a lollipop so he’d feel better; you see your friend’s family member attending their mother’s funeral – you offer her a hug to give her assurance; you see your best friend slowly losing herself as she drowns herself with self-loathing and her insecurities – you remind her why she’s so special and how lucky you are to have her as your best friend.

What you DON’T do is to want to make things worst than it already is. Empathy and sincerity are the two essential factors one needs to include if he or she is to want to console someone else. You don’t go around and compare yourself to their situation – like, “You know, you should be grateful that you don’t have to go through all the shit I’ve gone through because I’ve had worst than you,”. Yeah, for some people, this ‘technique’ works. Believe me, it works on me too sometimes. But what if every time you face a problem and you let it all out, your problem gets compared to again; so you’re telling me what I’m going through now is nothing compared to yours, and that I’m foolish and weak to go through what I’m going through? That I don’t deserve to feel this way sometimes? So what if I haven’t gotten it as bad as you? I have a right to feel sad too, don’t I? Why can’t you just empathize with me and just listen to the whole story first before coming to a conclusion? If you don’t have the sincerity to want to console me, please don’t stick around in the first place.

For the people that are simply amazing at being AMAZING, thank you. You know exactly all the right words to say because you empathize. You console someone with sincerity, patience and wisdom. You are the light at the end of the tunnel. You are that blink of hope when I look up at the night sky glittered with stars.

We deserve to feel sad too sometimes. We may not have a death sentence or a parent dying, but we all have our own stories to tell. Of course, we choose what makes us sad but sometimes even the strongest person needs to feel that emptiness and sadness once in awhile, and all they might want is for someone to just listen, understand and acknowledge.

My promise.

I remember the first day I saw you cry. I was four at the time and was busy arranging my toys in front of the television. It was a quiet day as the Telly was switched off and all I heard was my tiny footsteps trudging around the house and the sound of your voice. You and I were minding our own agenda that time and suddenly you received a phone call. You went to pick it up. I guess I wasn’t paying that much attention to anything else other than my toys. But then, I started to hear sobbing – you. The conversation, I did not understand and I forgot ( Again, I was four ), was getting more and more intense – so was your sobbing. Tears came pouring out all so sudden that I stopped what I was doing. I stood there and watched you cry. I sort of knew at the time that you definitely weren’t crying over toys so I knew it had to be something really serious. I remember myself trying to listen to the other end of the phone, wondering WHO was making you cry… I heard his voice. I didn’t know what daddy said that made you so hurt until you just cried in front of this little four year old who, of course, got so frightened and worried and confused at the same time. You hung up and continued crying and talking to yourself. It made me really scared because I knew a person I love made another person I love cry. I didn’t know what to do so all I did was just went over to you, gave you a hug and we both cried together. I asked you why you were crying but all you said was, “It’s all daddy’s fault.” I didn’t see you cry anymore after that time. As the years slowly go by, little did I know I was already twelve. This time, when Mom cried, I knew why. Dad was having an affair. My father, who I trusted so much, had an affair with someone just ten years older than me. Someone just old enough to be my freaking sister. Mom came home from work one day and just burst through the door, crying. She headed straight for their room and locked herself up. Dad found a spare key to their room and went in. I stood outside their door, trying very hard to listen to what they were saying. I cried when Mom brought up ‘divorce’. I didn’t want to end up with a broken family like some of my friends. I also didn’t want my younger brother who was only four that time, see his dad leave his family. So I did my best in reassuring and comforting my mom day and night after that day. I became her only best friend; the only one who silently knew everything, keeping things normal at home. I also became my dad’s rock. He was so close to falling but I stood by him, despite the hurt I felt whenever I look at him, to make sure he didn’t; to make sure he would stand up again and save his family. I went to school acting as if everything was alright. For a couple of times, I actually believed that everything WAS normal whenever I’m at school. But the moment it was time for me to go home, reality knocks itself right at me to remind me that everything was nothing but okay. It took me almost two years to hold my family together. I have never regretted all my efforts because things are much better now. Today, I saw you almost cry. And this time, it was my fault. It was me who wasn’t strong enough to withhold my frustration that I just lashed out on you. You didn’t deserve those hurtful words I’ve said. I didn’t mean any of them. And I didn’t purposely scratch your arm. Seeing you almost close to tears just now, reminded me of everything once more. You’ve gone through a lot with your troubled past and our almost broken-up family. It hit me that I too do not have too much time left with you because soon, I’d have to leave you again for further studies. It breaks my heart to see you cry; I never ever want to see you cry again. This, I silently promise to myself.

All I wanted.

All I wanted was for you to let me have a little white lie.
All I wanted was for you to remind me how much you loved me.
All I wanted was for you to close the distance between us.
All I wanted was to stop feeling negative about myself.
All I wanted was for you to help me love myself again.
All I wanted was for you to help me up and patch up my bruises.

You saw me fall that day. It’s been a really long time since I’ve dealt with so much negativity and overthinking was just slowly drowning me deeper and deeper. I overthink because I felt lonely, insecure and rejected. Rejection is something we all have to go through somehow. It can be in a form of continuous rejection or just occasional rejection. How funny it was to find out that I was so immature, so weak to handle rejection. I’ve learnt that being rejected by your own family is ten times depressing than being rejected by your best friend. To think you used to be so close, shared so many memories, was brought up by that person who you were so proud to call as family, would reject you one day as if there was no form of connection – blood tie – in the first place.

Overthinking is said to be the early stage of depression. You can drag and drag and drag a small situation into something so huge, so ugly and so self-consuming. Your mind eats you up. Your mind controls your whole being – your heart. Everything turns dark and gloomy wherever you go. Your actions become uncoordinated. All you want to do is to just lock yourself up; shut everyone out. I did just that.

But you came to look for me. Don’t get me wrong, I truly appreciated that. I was already halfway convinced that at the end of our conversation, everything would turn out alright again. I hesitated at first, thinking whether letting you in would be okay. Before I realized it, I was pouring everything out. My thoughts; my self-loathing; my pain. I did not tell you exactly what was the cause of it all only because I was too occupied with my own negative thoughts at that moment. You’ve reasoned with me of all my negativity. But I know deep down inside, there was also one thing I was truly afraid of. You’re so nice and wonderful to me that it got me thinking : What if one day, I’m in my self-loathing mode again, you just can’t take handling me anymore? What if you get sick and tired of me? What if you feel as if I’m choking you in a way?

I asked and was hoping for the answer I was looking for. You see, at that moment, all I wanted was for you to tell me otherwise. An ounce of hope. Hope that we will make it through somehow. Hope that you will never leave me no matter what. Your answer made the rest of the things you’ve said that night… Well, as if it was never said in the first place.

All I wanted was hope.

Midnight rants.

It’s times like these (midnight) where all my thoughts are scattered and I’m just lying on my bed trying to pick up the pieces. Bit by bit they consume me and I’m left battling my emotions; slowly letting myself get swallowed into this pitch black void of space in my head. How wonderful it is to have a switch so I can just switch my whole system off/on whenever I want to.

I have this habit of not replying people when they text me. I mean, I tend to ‘disappear’ halfway through the conversation which is really annoying to other people. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help it and I understand because of that, you might think I don’t care about you or you’re unimportant to me. I get distracted pretty easily. One second I’m texting you with one minute replies, then the next thing you know, I’ve gotten too preoccupied with doing something else thus forgetting to reply you. Please give me time to change my habit.

Then there’s her. I would be lying if I said I don’t miss her. Despite what happened between us, I still miss her. She was one of people who I opened up to straight away the moment we found out we were in the same group in college. Even though I’m busy with my daily routines now, there’s still that SOMETHING that’s constantly bugging the back of my brain. Every time I see her post things, my heart aches a little – because it never fails to remind me of how our friendship turned sour in just a blink of an eye.

Plus there’s this interview coming up for degree intake. A part of me feels proud of myself for being chosen for this interview session, but a part of me feels slightly disappointed because most of my friends will be far away from me and I’m worried I might have a serious case of culture-shock. Well, you can say I fear for the unknown. Which is ridiculous, but don’t blame me now. Blame my brain who’s actively coming up with random thoughts to make me worry, sad, depressed and lonely now.

These are some of the thoughts, that are keeping me awake as of right now when I should be sleeping, that I can muster up words to describe. So yeah. This post is just one of my occasional midnight rants about stuff going on in my head that I’m convinced, will make me feel better after I write about them.

Nobody said it was easy.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

“The Scientist” is one of my favorite songs now. I love the version of this song by Coldplay. This song has been my lullaby for a couple of nights now… also a reflection of my situation for the past few months. My perspective of this song is not the average ‘relationship related’ but more towards my friends… Well, FRIEND to be exact.

We first met a week after college started. We kind of ‘found each other’ as we were put into the same group (meaning, we’re basically together 24/7) and instantly clicked. She seemed like the most adorable, funny and spontaneous being I have ever met. I completely adored her and to me, it didn’t took long for me to call her my best friend. I knew it was still too soon to judge someone but I didn’t care. I was determined that she was going to be my best friend until our foundation course finishes. Everything went smooth during semester 1 and I have never doubted our friendship… Ever.

Well, just after semester 2 started, everything changed.

I’m not saying that it took a drastic change or anything but I truly felt as if something wasn’t there anymore between us. You see, she’s actually a very deep person. She prefers to keep things to herself. If I happen to do something that doesn’t please her, well, all she would do is put on her earphones and give me the silent treatment. I don’t know why but I started to feel as if I was getting stepped all over ever since semester 2 started. It’s never easy being the good guy. It really sucks when you try your best to cheer someone up, be nice to them and stuff, but all they do is leave you hanging. I tried to pull down her walls whenever she’s in her own little world behind those earphones.

*This was written a few months back before my foundation course ended.

Present day : I gave up  .images