Letter to M

Dear M,

Last Christmas, I invited you to celebrate with my family because you had to spend Christmas alone. I couldn’t bear to have you spending Christmas alone just because the rest of your family went back to your hometown leaving you behind. It has been ages since I’ve last seen you. You seemed to be doing very well and I was happy for you. I was so excited to introduce you to my new friends for I knew we could all get along just fine. And so, it was true. We got along just fine. They were very friendly and very welcoming as usual. The night before Christmas we had quite a meeting and I was so glad you fit into the picture perfectly.

Then came Christmas day itself. All my other friends came and it has also been so long since I have last seen them. To me, I had a lovely Christmas because all my friends and you and my family, who came all the way from Borneo, were there with me. Even the thought of it was heartwarming. I never told you this but I met up with our best friend while I went back to Borneo for a few days. She told me everything. The part where you said I didn’t make any effort to introduce you to other friends, that I was so ashamed of introducing you to them, that I cared about my newer friends more than my older friends, that you weren’t offered any place in the hotel room just to hang your towel, that whenever you talked to me I focused more on my phone than you, that you will never trust me like before, that you wouldn’t wanna spend Christmas with any of your friends anymore and that you told your sister about it and how she said she ‘knew something like this was gonna happen’.

I sometimes wondered why you never confronted these things to me. Was it possibly because you realized in the end that I DID introduce you to my friends (because they said I did), that I wasn’t ashamed of you because you know me well enough that I’m not the type of person to be ashamed of anything (seriously dude), that I do care about my older friends because if I didn’t I wouldn’t even think of asking you to spend Christmas with my family and I, that you could’ve just opened your bloody mouth and tell me that you didn’t have any place for your towel because I’d sure as hell take down my towel for you (I wouldn’t mind because it was a small matter after all) or that I was facing my phone more than facing you because you were simply too engrossed in bragging about yourself (you never realized this, did you?). And your sister – I’m sorry but has always been against me ever since the beginning. If she ‘knew something like this would happen’ then maybe she would’ve thought twice about leaving you behind. Your sister’s a smartass. Just because she’s older doesn’t mean she is to be respected. It doesn’t work that way. Respect is not dependent of age but of how you treat other people, even those younger than you. Sure it’s inevitable that everybody has opinions of others but it’s a choice to speak your mind and to whom you announce it to. It’s really sad to see how such an educated person like your sister is so judgmental, stereotypical and hypocritical. I’m sure as you all were growing up you have come across the advice that it’s simply wrong to judge people, right?

In conclusion, nobody’s perfect. Not me, not you and most importantly, not even your sister.



My promise.

I remember the first day I saw you cry. I was four at the time and was busy arranging my toys in front of the television. It was a quiet day as the Telly was switched off and all I heard was my tiny footsteps trudging around the house and the sound of your voice. You and I were minding our own agenda that time and suddenly you received a phone call. You went to pick it up. I guess I wasn’t paying that much attention to anything else other than my toys. But then, I started to hear sobbing – you. The conversation, I did not understand and I forgot ( Again, I was four ), was getting more and more intense – so was your sobbing. Tears came pouring out all so sudden that I stopped what I was doing. I stood there and watched you cry. I sort of knew at the time that you definitely weren’t crying over toys so I knew it had to be something really serious. I remember myself trying to listen to the other end of the phone, wondering WHO was making you cry… I heard his voice. I didn’t know what daddy said that made you so hurt until you just cried in front of this little four year old who, of course, got so frightened and worried and confused at the same time. You hung up and continued crying and talking to yourself. It made me really scared because I knew a person I love made another person I love cry. I didn’t know what to do so all I did was just went over to you, gave you a hug and we both cried together. I asked you why you were crying but all you said was, “It’s all daddy’s fault.” I didn’t see you cry anymore after that time. As the years slowly go by, little did I know I was already twelve. This time, when Mom cried, I knew why. Dad was having an affair. My father, who I trusted so much, had an affair with someone just ten years older than me. Someone just old enough to be my freaking sister. Mom came home from work one day and just burst through the door, crying. She headed straight for their room and locked herself up. Dad found a spare key to their room and went in. I stood outside their door, trying very hard to listen to what they were saying. I cried when Mom brought up ‘divorce’. I didn’t want to end up with a broken family like some of my friends. I also didn’t want my younger brother who was only four that time, see his dad leave his family. So I did my best in reassuring and comforting my mom day and night after that day. I became her only best friend; the only one who silently knew everything, keeping things normal at home. I also became my dad’s rock. He was so close to falling but I stood by him, despite the hurt I felt whenever I look at him, to make sure he didn’t; to make sure he would stand up again and save his family. I went to school acting as if everything was alright. For a couple of times, I actually believed that everything WAS normal whenever I’m at school. But the moment it was time for me to go home, reality knocks itself right at me to remind me that everything was nothing but okay. It took me almost two years to hold my family together. I have never regretted all my efforts because things are much better now. Today, I saw you almost cry. And this time, it was my fault. It was me who wasn’t strong enough to withhold my frustration that I just lashed out on you. You didn’t deserve those hurtful words I’ve said. I didn’t mean any of them. And I didn’t purposely scratch your arm. Seeing you almost close to tears just now, reminded me of everything once more. You’ve gone through a lot with your troubled past and our almost broken-up family. It hit me that I too do not have too much time left with you because soon, I’d have to leave you again for further studies. It breaks my heart to see you cry; I never ever want to see you cry again. This, I silently promise to myself.