Letter to M

Dear M,

Last Christmas, I invited you to celebrate with my family because you had to spend Christmas alone. I couldn’t bear to have you spending Christmas alone just because the rest of your family went back to your hometown leaving you behind. It has been ages since I’ve last seen you. You seemed to be doing very well and I was happy for you. I was so excited to introduce you to my new friends for I knew we could all get along just fine. And so, it was true. We got along just fine. They were very friendly and very welcoming as usual. The night before Christmas we had quite a meeting and I was so glad you fit into the picture perfectly.

Then came Christmas day itself. All my other friends came and it has also been so long since I have last seen them. To me, I had a lovely Christmas because all my friends and you and my family, who came all the way from Borneo, were there with me. Even the thought of it was heartwarming. I never told you this but I met up with our best friend while I went back to Borneo for a few days. She told me everything. The part where you said I didn’t make any effort to introduce you to other friends, that I was so ashamed of introducing you to them, that I cared about my newer friends more than my older friends, that you weren’t offered any place in the hotel room just to hang your towel, that whenever you talked to me I focused more on my phone than you, that you will never trust me like before, that you wouldn’t wanna spend Christmas with any of your friends anymore and that you told your sister about it and how she said she ‘knew something like this was gonna happen’.

I sometimes wondered why you never confronted these things to me. Was it possibly because you realized in the end that I DID introduce you to my friends (because they said I did), that I wasn’t ashamed of you because you know me well enough that I’m not the type of person to be ashamed of anything (seriously dude), that I do care about my older friends because if I didn’t I wouldn’t even think of asking you to spend Christmas with my family and I, that you could’ve just opened your bloody mouth and tell me that you didn’t have any place for your towel because I’d sure as hell take down my towel for you (I wouldn’t mind because it was a small matter after all) or that I was facing my phone more than facing you because you were simply too engrossed in bragging about yourself (you never realized this, did you?). And your sister – I’m sorry but has always been against me ever since the beginning. If she ‘knew something like this would happen’ then maybe she would’ve thought twice about leaving you behind. Your sister’s a smartass. Just because she’s older doesn’t mean she is to be respected. It doesn’t work that way. Respect is not dependent of age but of how you treat other people, even those younger than you. Sure it’s inevitable that everybody has opinions of others but it’s a choice to speak your mind and to whom you announce it to. It’s really sad to see how such an educated person like your sister is so judgmental, stereotypical and hypocritical. I’m sure as you all were growing up you have come across the advice that it’s simply wrong to judge people, right?

In conclusion, nobody’s perfect. Not me, not you and most importantly, not even your sister.



Meant to love but not meant to be.


Because it's just not meant to be.

How often it is that we tend to fall in love with someone but never having the chance to actually be with that someone; being fully aware of our own feelings but never able to satisfy the thirst of being with the other just because life does not permit; to be tied up with “fate”. We can simply say life isn’t fair, right? That’s the thing about life : One moment you’re riding a smooth path towards your dreams and desires and then BAM! life beats you to it; the next thing you know, you’re falling so fast like a meteor finding it’s way to the grounds of the Earth.

I have dreamt of fairytale romance scenarios coming to life and happening to me countless times. Being a firm believer of true love – because I’m a hopeless romantic, I have always believed that the first person I fall for will be my one. Sadly to say, my first was an asshole. However, right after him, there was another guy. A wonderful, caring and amazing guy. In truth, it was because of him, my break-up with the asshole was so so SO much more bearable. Mr. Wonderful was there for me since day 1 when my then relationship was beginning to shed some light on me – of Mr. Asshole.

That year when Mr. Asshole was out of my life for good, was also a really trying year for me. Disaster after disaster happened and I can say, I really felt as if I hit rock bottom at the time. It was overwhelming. I changed schools, got into an accident, dealt with family problems and the list goes on and on. Well, he was there. All the way. He admitted that he liked me and so did I. But we never actually had the chance to be together. It just… didn’t happen. There were quite a number of times when I kept thinking of the ‘what ifs’. There was also a point where I got really upset that I’m going to watch him leave for further studies somewhere overseas. Katy Perry’s song “The One That Got Away” was on repeat for God knows how many times while I was in the room crying my eyes out. We eventually talked about it one night through the phone and concluded that we didn’t think the relationship would work out anyway due to the long distance. It would only end up hurting us both.

I still keep in touch with him though; he has someone now and she seems to be really sweet and wonderful – just like him – and is able to be kept close to him. I am perfectly happy with my boyfriend now too. And call me cheesy (I know I am) but, I dare to bet on this one that we’ll last a long time. I guess when it’s not meant to happen, it won’t – even if you were THIS close – because that’s life. And most of the time, the outcome is simply… unpredictable and magical.

The thing about second chances.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

As cliche as it sounds, you have to admit that it’s undeniably true. We’ve all had experiences from the past of people hurting us, right? And at that time, the most definite course of action is to let that person have a taste of his/her medicine and just completely shut that person out from our lives – well, in most cases that is. But here comes another phrase we’re all too familiar with :

Forgive and forget.

How often we are able to forgive but how it is almost impossible to forget one’s wrongdoings toward us. Especially if that person has hurt you countless times over and over again. It’s just like stacking up dominos : as the stacking gets higher and higher up until it eventually loses its balance, everything will collapse and leave a huge mess; as the faults pile up, we’ll eventually reach our tipping point where we just explode and are left there trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered hearts.

Sometimes things are easier said than done. What if the faults they did upon us were to painful to even just think about, that maybe they don’t deserve a second chance? They should just bear with the consequences because they deserved it; they let it happen to them; they should probably just rot together with their sins. But what if they’ve truly changed for the better? What if they are no longer the same person they were before?

I have stood and watched my dad picked himself up when he was offered his second chance – his chance to make up for what he did before; his chance of raising another family. Even though I wasn’t there to witness his downfall years before he had me – I have heard of my dad’s stories failures countless times from my mom to my aunts and uncles – and he is indeed trying his very best now in so many ways. There are also a number of friends that have walked out on me over the past few years and though it is impossible for me to forget what they’ve done, I forgave them. But the scars they’ve put on me are still evidently there and I am occasionally revisited with the memories that caused them.

Then there was my other ‘friend’. He was my first love. I admit that I loved him deeply at the time, but what I couldn’t see that time as I was blinded with the bright red aura called love, was how he treated me. I hated myself for falling for him. He was anything but nice, loving, wonderful – go ahead and insert any other positive adjectives because I’m telling you, he’s not even the slightest bit close to any of them. We lasted for a solid one year (I have no idea how). I guess the reason why I was attracted to him in the first place was because he was so mysterious and yet so charming and pretty hot. The STOP sign was obvious as it was plastered all over his body from head to toe. But I fell anyway, because he “welcomed” me. It started out great at first. Few months later, I realized he was not the guy I would want to continue being with but I couldn’t stop myself. He was still the same hot mysterious guy I knew but I was much aware he had such wicked intentions. It was a long process – the relationship – but he broke up with me right after our first year of being together; only to come running back to me after a week passed by. I firmly said ‘no’ and was proud of it. It took me two years to finally let it go. Now, we’re still kinda sorta friends. Second chance. And I can’t help but realize that he has ultimately changed for the better. He has a new girlfriend now and I’m happy for him. I hope he treats her – or any other lady in the future – the way they should be treated.